He died, after years of depression, drug abuse and multiple suicide attempts…he died. The last attempt was successful. How my heart bled for a chance to see him again. To hear his voice and to see him smile, but all that gripped my heart was the memory of the deep sadness in his eyes. My beloved uncle, who was like a brother to me, was gone. I remember the sleepless nights and the nightmares, the stories told about how it wasn’t the first time he had tried to kill himself. I had tried to make sense of what had happened, tried to put the pieces of his puzzled life together, just so I could understand why he could no longer live in this world.
There were others after him. And their stories of hopelessness and a life of pain, ending in death, haunt me to this day. Their cries for help reverberate in my soul. I need to help them… but how? I had become a lost soul myself; bad decision after bad decision had led me down a path of self-destruction. Even in those moments of hopeless despair, I could hear the cries for help. They were everywhere.
First, I needed to deal with my own pain; I was empty. Empty from living a life filled with meaningless endeavours. Suicide of the soul. Abused self. Diagnosed with depression on so many occasions, I needed to move beyond the dysfunctional patterns I had created in my life. Healing was necessary for the once confident young girl who believed that she had the potential to make a difference in the lives of others.
I made the first step and found my healing at the feet of my Maker. Who better than Him to fix what was broken and restore me to what he had created me to be? The process of healing is never easy though, it takes a series of hard decisions and difficult life choices to undo a lifetime of dysfunction. The second step was to find a place where I could learn and equip myself with the skills and knowledge to effectively do the work I so long to do. God then placed on my path people who inspired and guided me on my quest. Some do not even realise how their lives of selflessness has helped me realise my dream, day by day. It’s funny how when we align ourselves to God and accept that we need Him that things start coming together in a way that is beyond our own understanding.
I say this because, a month ago today I would have never imagined myself in Recovery Coach in Training. I was happily going about my life doing the best I could to pursue my purpose, when I received a friend request from an angel. This angel had come to revolutionise myself and she did not even know it . A few interactions later, I was accepting to do the course that was to take place the very next weekend, at the cost of? Merely volunteering my time to helping others; I could have jumped right out of my skin!
So there I was the first night of Recovery Coach Training at SHARP Recovery Solutions, anxious but excited that I was granted the opportunity to be a part of an amazing community of individuals and organisations whose sole purpose was one of healing, restoration and wellness. God was smiling down at me. My life would never be the same again.
The facilitator was amazing, along with his sidekick angel. Anyone who comes into contact with them will agree with me when I say that their passion for what they do is inspiring. The sacrifices they make to serve makes this cold, dark world a better place to live in every day. Needless to say, that first night left me reeling. I was a heap of mixed emotions after interacting with an array of characters and concepts, not to mention a few curveballs to throw me into a tailspin of what I can only express as ‘whoaaa!!’.
I went back the next morning with only a few hours of sleep and a burning desire to push through. Did I mention that I am 8 months pregnant? Oh yes, by the way. LOL!! The timing is amazing, but Lord knows I would much rather pursue than back down and allow another life into this world without a concerted effort on my part to bring things full circle…I’ll definitely be blogging about this at a later stage! So there I was continuing my training, and boy was I in for a ride. Nothing short of informative, the informal interactive style of teaching kept us all on our toes. With every laugh, cry and awkward pause there was a massive download of knowledge and life experience that no amount of lecturing could ever buy. I was in my element! And could not wait to come back for more. No amount of exhaustion was going to keep me away, not this girl!
My kokorozashi was awakened! My life’s purpose was becoming more than just a feeling, it was becoming something tangible. How could I not pursue this avenue of learning and use it to improve the lives of others? After all these years of searching and wandering I have stepped into what could turn out to be the greatest resource in fulfilling my purpose. By week two, which has just passed, I experienced a greater sense of direction, a higher level of understanding. It was as if God spoke through my facilitators and classmates, their experiences and courageous sharing had added fuel to the simmering fire inside of me. I saw and felt an overwhelming love, not the selfish kind that we have become accustomed to but a love that has no boundaries and knows no end. It breaks down walls and nourishes the soul, leaving only vivid traces of the pain that once lived behind those walls. These people, this place, this community, was the epitome of selflessness. I love them so much!
My most earnest prayer is that God will grant me the grace to continue in the pursuit of my purpose. May my newfound friends never lose their passion and may every endeavour be a fruitful one. That every person who crosses our paths will experience only love and a sense of hope for their futures.
I am Zanny. Checking out Purpose Driven!
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