Resentment Letters (Anger Week December 2013)
“There are a couple of issues that I would like to get off my chest. I have kept these inside practicing avoidance for fear of your reaction. But I realize now that this has lead to passive aggressive behaviour where I have tended to not prioritize you or your needs, tended to ignore you and in subtle ways treat you badly.
It think my main resentment is that you have tended to put the welfare, well-being, safety and enjoyment of others before me. I feel that I have at least the same, not superior, claim for those things than others. But I’m here to play the “blame game”, but rather seek out solutions.
Let’s take each in turn. I believe you should prioritize my welfare. Yes, you believe in the spiritual principle that if you provide to serve more will return in abundance unto you, but only when one gets serious about it. When does it become spiritual and when does it become people pleasing? I need some of that welfare stuff as well.
You don’t prioritise my wellbeing. You are an enabler. You feed me copious amounts of alcohol but no food. Have you even heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? Is it food at the foundation or alcohol? I’m hypersensitive; have high cholesterol, despite not eating? You’re a pretty clever guy, what do you think is the source of my poor health? Dude, please prioritise my well-being.
You know I’m a lover, not a fighter. You know I have already suffered enough injuries, physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually. Seeing that you are aware of all of this, can you please focus on providing me with some level of safety? When you enable me by giving me alcohol, you leave me vulnerable and leave me susceptible to getting injured in those ways. Arguments, mysterious bruises the next day, getting to dark places in my mind, spending way too much, buying me and enabling me with drinks all happen when I am drunk. Keep me safe and secure please.
You know I like a good party! Especially because I love good music so much. I can hang with the old man. Listening to the Rolling Stones and the Temptations. Listening to Genesis or Chaka Khan and the kids listening to Eminem and Drake. .. Sometimes, I get so drunk, everything else dissipates . the aim is for everyone to have a good time.. But it pushes me to the point where it all passes me by… Allow me the space to pull myself towards myself.
Look, I can complain about many things, your loyalty to me, your resentment towards me, your occasional mistrust of me but this isn’t whining like a little girl session. This is me to you, man to man, let’s solve this.
This is my proposal. Continue to worry about the welfare and well-being blah blah… No stress, it’s in your nature. But my friend, please agree that you will prioritise me. Let’s meet sites, so we can work out the details. What do you say????
Your trusted, loyal , beloved friend
You are a cunning, sly, manipulative, seductive, repulsive evil that crept into my life. You woed me, luring me into your perfect world “perfect’ world dancing seductively with me, promising me continued companionship, loyalty, love, freedom from pain, freedom from rejection, self-confidence , self-worth, fulfilment and understanding. You were my best friend. My lover, my everything, promising never to leave me or judge me. Never to cheat on me or abuse me. I made you my God, put you above all else. I chose you over my children, my family, my friends, my career, and above all else- me. You comforted me when I was lost and lonely. You put me to sleep at night and numbed my broken heart. You were there whenever I needed you. Your warmed my soul and welcomed me in. You fucking. Lying, thieving, destructive, liquid that seeped into my life- like septic puss from a wound., penetrating every small crack I was trying to hide, causing a larger and larger casm, till I found myself on the other side- the other side of nothing! I had to swim through you , drown in your evil, suffocate under your lies and still you didn’t stop., sucking me deeper and deeper down into your pit of hell. A black lonely, scary place. A cold place with no out. I feared living with you and feared living without you. You tore my life apart- you flooded my life so I could see no light. You drove me to the depths of moral decay and debauchery. You centred my being , deforming me and my thoughts, numbing my brain, consuming me from the inside, out. I hate you, I curse the day you entered my life and took my life and took my life away if it was yours to take along. I tell you now that I claim back my life and I declare before you and God that you are not welcome. You can take your promises, your lies and your bullshit and leave… I am free of you, so sheepishly into your dark hole because I am proud to stand in the light. The light lives in me. There is no place for you.